Mafia Gazette Past Issue 11
27th August, 2005 'HORSE HUSTLERS CONTINUE THREAT CAMPAIGN ' Following on from the article in yesterday’s Gazette, an announcement was made on the street by TheFourHorsemen once again issuing threats unless all horses sired by Retard The First are handed over into his ownership or he would take action against the current owners. One of the horses in question was obtained by this newspaper in a bid to find out more about the individual or group responsible for the threats against the owners of any horse from the lineage. Shortly after obtaining the racehorse, a message was received at the office stating, “You have 24 hours to turn over the retard or we take you and your paper down. You obviously have no idea what the retards mean or the power they possess. Save yourself and let the retards go!” TheFourHorsemen refused to reveal the true nature of who was attempting to gain control over all the horses of this bloodline, and continued to make threats towards the newspaper. He offered the sum of $50,000 to purchase the horse from the Editor, but was turned down. It is believed that the group who wishes to control ownership of the horses believes them to have great power despite their being mediocre racers and anyone owning all of them will have the power multiplied. Scientists believe this is an urban myth that has been bandied around by the people who travel in short busses and lick windows. Anyone being approached by the group should treat them as dangerous and should contact the local police immediately. 'FISHZILLA CLAIMS LIFE OF NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST ' Tragedy struck yesterday evening at the Mafiaquarium, run by Gregoire_De_Fronsac when newspaper columnist, Trixie, of the Gazette was killed in a freak accident when Fishzilla leapt out of his tank and landed on the unfortunate victim. Several bystanders were stunned, as Fishzilla was seen shaking the corpse and asking people to fix the “pretty lady”, obviously unaware of the serious nature of the incident. Earlier on in the day, a large quantity of cocaine had been released by accident into Fishzilla’s holding tank, causing him to behave erratically. Forensic experts believe that this quantity of the drug released into the water had an adverse affect on Fishzilla, as he was seen to be very active prior to the accident and was even playing with Trixie up until moments before the tragedy occurred. Fishzilla appeared shaken by the incident and is believed to be currently in the care of St. MoneyZeb’s. A memorial service was held at St. Anthony’s Cathedral for Trixie, with many turning up to mourn her passing. This newspaper and its staff would like to pass on our condolences to the late Trixie’s family and friends. She was a joy to work with and will be sadly missed in the office. 'MR MAFIA CONTEST COMING SOON ' The streets are shortly to see a new contest coming to the community. The First Mr Mafia Contest is planned to be held over the next few weeks to decide who is the brightest, best, sexiest, most interesting and most respected Mafia Man. The contest, sponsored by the Gazette will be looking for entries from any Mafia Man who thinks they have what it takes to become Mr Mafia. Anyone wishing to nominate a contestant can do so by sending their nominations in to Tallulah at the Gazette offices. Judges for the contest are also sought from the Ladies of the Mafia. If you want to judge the contest, please send in an application stating in no less than 50 words, why you think you would be a great judge for the contest. Entry forms for both nominations are available on the back page of the newspaper. A prize of $10,000 is up for grabs for the overall winner of the contest, with other prizes being awarded for each of the categories. Further prizes will be awarded to nominees of the winners, drawn at random. Get your nominations, entries and applications in now to take part in the most exciting contest to hit the streets of Mafia this year! 'SPORTS SECTION ' RISE OF THE RETARDED? By: TieDomiII Updating a previous story, a man (group of men in his mind) named TheFourHorseman has been buying horses from the retarded line, a line many have speculated (ok so I have speculated) to be bred by Miguel himself! These horses…well…are retarded. I don’t think they know what a finish line is much less how to get to one. I mean they’ve gotten lucky a few times but heck even Miguel has gotten lucky! With a goat yes but lucky nonetheless! Now many people would like to know just how bad they suck. So here’s a list of them in all their suckiness: Retarded Cannonball owned by TheFourHorsemen: From July 28th to August 11th it had four races bringing in $1170. The stable fees for the 15 days cost $7,500. The 16 days the horse has been owned since it’s last race it has cost $8,000 for the stable fees. Retarded Butterfly owned by TheFourHorsemen: From May 21st to July 27th it had four races bringing in $820. The stable fees over that period came to $34,500. Since it’s last race the stable fees have come to $15,500. Retarded Man owned by TheFourHorsemen: From August 9th to August 21 it had four races bringing in $3,952. The stable fees over those 13 days came to $6,500. In the 6 days since it’s last race it’s stable fees have come to $3,000. Retarded Me owned by chuck: From Feb 24th to August 26th it had four races bringing in $16,706. The stable fees over those 179 days, came to $89,500. Retarded Engine owned by Tallulah: From August 15th to August 26th it had four races bringing in $5,330. It’s stable fees over those 11 days came to $5,500. Retarded PeeWee owned by Tank: From July 3rd to August 1st it had four races bringing in $1,022. It’s stable fees over those 39 days came to $19,500. In the 26 days since it’s last race it’s stable fees cost 13,000. Yea….right. As you can see, horrible. Why anybody would want all of these pathetic horses is beyond me. Perhaps somebody should teach this guy how to buy horses. Or perhaps we should all just point and laugh. Your call, whatever you wanna do. P.S. Please kids stay in school and off of drugs because if you end up like this guy when you grow up I’m gonna have to kill you. Honestly. P.S.S. On a happier note vote Tie for Mr. Mafia Guy! 'ALL GUNS BLAZING ' By: Manelli THE SAD fact is that nowadays firearms are a common occurrence. In this depression-inflicted era, men and women are more commonly turning to crime to keep themselves in bread and bolognese sauce, and to protect themselves from this scourge the citizens of our country are arming themselves in turn. Whether this is good news or bad news depends on your point of view, but something else is also shooting up: accidental death. Compared to last year, figures (from the American Crime Statistics Laboratory, Virginia) suggest that accidental firearm discharge has become almost as large a killer as Tuberculosis. In June of this year alone, there were over 10,000 cases of accidents due to mishandling of firearms, and the number of fatalities is somewhere near the three-figure mark. The Secretary of State, Michael O'Bannon, urged members of the public to keep away from weapons they find on the streets or in garbage cans. "The fact is, that gangsters don't kill, it's guns that do," he remarked yesterday in a press conference hastily called. "If a mobster leaves a gun lying around in the open, it's probably because it's broken. This makes it dangerous for all. Do the sensible thing and call the police; leave the shooting to those who are trained." Some were surprised at O'Bannon's failure to condemn the gangsters, with some even suspecting mob connections lying with him. But the practicalities are simple. Most guns are now fitted with safety catches; this could be the first and perhaps only thing to check. Usually the catch is enabled if it is in the "up" position; there are often markings to help identify the safe setting. To those in the public who own a firearm, the first thing to check every time you even touch the weapon is that the safety catch is engaged. Then, lifting the weapon in your dominant hand with fingers well away from the trigger, check the barrel for any residual shell matter. Most of the handguns in circulation are Smith & Wesson .38 or .442 calibre, or perhaps a somewhat large .457 Magnum. Both of these revolvers are easy to check for residues; again, ensuring that the barrel is pointing in a safe position (and at a window or door is not a safe direction), ease the clip, which is usually found on the right side of the gun near the back, downwards. Spinning the barrel is reserved for movies; instead, just roll it outwards and check through the chambers. Latching it back shut is a matter of some force. The Colt 1911 is sometimes spotted around, where it's been stolen from Army storage depots. To release the barrel, pull the upper rear recoil part of the gun back while holding the catch up. Some of the older versions don't have a catch, but you should be able to inspect the chamber. A major cause of handgun and rifle problems is material in the barrel. This is important; never push the muzzle of a firearm into any situation where any objects or material could find its way into the barrel, or else you could find yourself on the wrong end of a nasty explosion. There are nastier pieces of work around, too. The 1927 Thompson gun, or "Tommy Gun", is used by Mafiosi across the country, and has deadly accuracy. These require great care or else their aim becomes quickly skewed and their barrels can easily jam. A great deal of grease is required for all the separate parts (except the chamber itself, of course, unless a large quantity of black smoke in the face is a prerequisite to your drive-bys). So, for the gangsters out there, this is a time of quality craftsmanship surpassing all previous examples of firearms. And with this comes added danger for all; care is needed, or else we'll have a lot of John "One-eye" Does. Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact Tallulah, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. '' 'CORA'S CULINARY TRAVELS' By:: Cora__DiBiazzio Today I had the delightful task of taking in a bite to eat at Tallulah's Speakeasy Club and Bar. Nestled in Chicago, this quaint bar is everything you'd expect of a "locals only" type of place...with it's own unique blend of atmosphere and style. The decor is unpretentious, the music is delightful and, if you catch the owner on a good day, you'll get too sample heaven itself in one of Tallulah's signature soups. Drop by and spend a little time in Tallulah's; meet the lady herself and see what kind of mettle it takes to keep a place like this beautiful speakeasy in business. 'WE HEAR THAT…' Gossip column by: Jane ....that Fishzilla has been seen checking into the Mafia Rehab clinic. The nurses were perplexed as to where to put him but seems the swimming pool suited him just fine. ....EvilOmalley owes me 5 bucks. If you see him, get it for me. Or punch him in the kidney. ....Pastor is now off the market. Sorry ladies, but it appears that the man was seen buying a ring this morning. Now the real question is, who is it for? 'CLASSIFIEDS' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Tallulah at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. ---- FOR SALE: Horse by the name of Retarded Engine. See stables for price and details. ---- VIP TICKET = GRAND OPENING Franko, ~proprietor of Don’t Tell Mama, Lincoln Ave, Ny~ Is glad to announce the GRAND OPENING of his bar and Restaurant on the 26th August. Selections of specially imported alcoholic drinks are on offer, The finest English cuisine will be on offer, in the jolly atmosphere found usually only in the finest English country pubs. Weekly entertainment schedules, including the most recent Big Band and Swing acts from across the Atlantic will be music to your ears! So come on down for our opening weekend all drinks are on the house. ---- In jail?? Want good food?? Well come to Jinx's Pizza Shop!! The Pizzas are absolutely FREE!! Just look in the forums and see what we have to offer if you want a menu please don’t hesitate to mob mail me (Jinx3) I’m looking for dedicated workers willing to give up their jail time to work in my Shop! Come along and create your own Pizza and our experienced Chef will make and cook it for you in front of your eyes!! ______________________________________________________________________ MR MAFIA COMPETITION FORM Name: ________________________________________________________ I am entering for/ Nominating ________________________________ (insert name of nominee) and am nominating them because: _________________________________________________________________ (Females ONLY) I wish to be considered for the Judging panel because (In no less than 50 words): *Delete as appropriate Please send entries to Tallulah at the Gazette offices to arrive no later than 09:00 Mobtime Monday 29th August 'REFERENCES''' '''1. '''Article taken from http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=17. Browse • • • • • • •